Disturbing Trends

Some things are inevitable. As children grow, they sometimes develop behaviors that are concerning to parents and teachers... seemingly out of nowhere. My children must be no exception. We have been accustomed to dealing with the "terrible twos" and have conceded that they sometimes extend into one's third or even fourth year. Tessa, however, has recently demonstrated behavior that seems well outside the norm.

Warning! The following photographs may be disturbing to young children (wait... they are the work of small children... and their deranged fathers).

Tessa has always had a keen interest in Elmo, a popular Sesame Street character. She has books on Elmo, multiple stuffed Elmo dolls, and has even had a singing Elmo at her second birthday party. We thought all was well with their relationship, but recent activities have suggested otherwise. We fear Tessa may have felt threatened by Elmo (can he really be trusted?) Is he really just an imposter, winning us over with his cute voice and bad grammar? Tessa, apparently, thinks so, and has taken to bizarre interrogation methods to squeeze the truth out of him.

Things began playfully. At first, she would just make him wear funny outfits. But then she would force him to do things like eat parts of other toys, or humiliate him by making him wear diapers made of feminine hygeine products. Once these methods failed, she has taken to more direct techniques... things bordering on torture. This evening, I caught Tessa red handed, waterboarding Elmo (along with a naked Barbie doll) in the downstairs bathroom (GuantanElmo Bay, as it is now known). He looked exhausted and hypothermic when we found him, but he was rescued in time by some activists from AmnesToy International as Tessa was apprehended and sent to Time Out for three minutes. AmnesToy is protesting such a lenient sentence, but we don't think toddlers are subject to the Geneva Convention (nor are stuffed toys protected by it).

Elmo was finally able to tell his story (referring to himself in the third person, as usual) once he was brought to a warm, secure location. We are working on placing him in something akin to the witness protection program, but this is admittedly tough given his distinguishing features of red fur and disproportionately large eyes. We fear what might happen to him were he to be discovered.

As for Tessa, she has already served her sentence as well as some community service work (cleaning her room), but we are unsure as to whether or not she has been adequately rehabilitated.

An Evening with Daddy

Having been back home for a few weeks now, I am fully settling back into life in America. Work is back in full swing, the kids remember who I am (though Tessa was confused for a while after a recent haircut), and Wendy wants her life back. This evening, she got her chance. She belongs to a book club, and though she may not have actually read the book (details, details...), I was not on-call, so she could actually go. This, of course, leaves me alone with the girls.
Thursdays tend to be busy, so I didn't make it home until about 6:15. The girls had already eaten, but they at least had a burrito waiting for me which I scarfed down in the kitchen while getting the preparatory debriefing before Wendy cut loose. The girls would need baths (no problem), Emma left her mermaid barbie outside (it's 10 degrees out - and all she has on is a bikini!), and Wendy took apart Tessa's crib and put the toddler bed in her room (some assembly required). Having been involved in the disassembly of the toddler bed 9 months ago (it was Emma's at the time), I immediately headed upstairs to work on this. Wendy offered to rescue mermaid barbie from her icy abandonment and put the girls in the tub. Tessa decided to have a potty accident (#1, mercifully) and Emma offered to "help" her (no worries, at least it's bath time).
Five minutes later, I'm upstairs ratcheting the "bumblebee bed" together and I hear a blood-curdling wail from downstairs. Wendy has retrieved mermaid barbie, but found her head frozen to the driveway. Upon picking the doll up, she proceeds to decapitate Emma's prized toy (and Emma was present to witness the assault!). Emma is inconsolable, tessa is naked, I'm on my hands and knees looking for a missing washer, and Wendy is late to book club (I'm sure they start promptly). Now I'm all for providing the wife with a girls-night-out, but did she have to disassemble the furniture and behead the toys right before leaving?
Somehow, I manage to finish bathing the girls (things go much quicker once they get a little soap in their eyes) and get them into their jammies. I manage to find all the parts and get the bed assembled (almost to OHSAA standards) all while Emma is begging me to attend to the more-urgent task of reattaching Barbie's head. Wendy was at least nice enough to lay out some suture before she left. While we attempted "recapitation", Tessa managed to make a diaper for Elmo out of some feminine hygeine product and managed to spill water on her new bed. We finally gave up on Barbie (for now), read some stories, brushed teeth, and got the girls tucked in bed (sentence encompasses 45 minutes of sheer bliss). I then proceeded to operate in peace and was able to bring barbie back to health without so much as a stiff neck. She is now tucked in bed with Emma, ready to brave the elements again tomorrow.