Disturbing Trends

Some things are inevitable. As children grow, they sometimes develop behaviors that are concerning to parents and teachers... seemingly out of nowhere. My children must be no exception. We have been accustomed to dealing with the "terrible twos" and have conceded that they sometimes extend into one's third or even fourth year. Tessa, however, has recently demonstrated behavior that seems well outside the norm.

Warning! The following photographs may be disturbing to young children (wait... they are the work of small children... and their deranged fathers).

Tessa has always had a keen interest in Elmo, a popular Sesame Street character. She has books on Elmo, multiple stuffed Elmo dolls, and has even had a singing Elmo at her second birthday party. We thought all was well with their relationship, but recent activities have suggested otherwise. We fear Tessa may have felt threatened by Elmo (can he really be trusted?) Is he really just an imposter, winning us over with his cute voice and bad grammar? Tessa, apparently, thinks so, and has taken to bizarre interrogation methods to squeeze the truth out of him.

Things began playfully. At first, she would just make him wear funny outfits. But then she would force him to do things like eat parts of other toys, or humiliate him by making him wear diapers made of feminine hygeine products. Once these methods failed, she has taken to more direct techniques... things bordering on torture. This evening, I caught Tessa red handed, waterboarding Elmo (along with a naked Barbie doll) in the downstairs bathroom (GuantanElmo Bay, as it is now known). He looked exhausted and hypothermic when we found him, but he was rescued in time by some activists from AmnesToy International as Tessa was apprehended and sent to Time Out for three minutes. AmnesToy is protesting such a lenient sentence, but we don't think toddlers are subject to the Geneva Convention (nor are stuffed toys protected by it).

Elmo was finally able to tell his story (referring to himself in the third person, as usual) once he was brought to a warm, secure location. We are working on placing him in something akin to the witness protection program, but this is admittedly tough given his distinguishing features of red fur and disproportionately large eyes. We fear what might happen to him were he to be discovered.

As for Tessa, she has already served her sentence as well as some community service work (cleaning her room), but we are unsure as to whether or not she has been adequately rehabilitated.